In today’s sexually permissive world, hardly have people met but they already thinking of having sex yet there are people who sincerely value sex, and know that it is best within a lifelong commitment of marriage and would like to keep their virginity till their wedding night as a special gift to their husband’s and future father of their children but they find themselves pressured, seduced, tempted and literally forced to give it. This is the case of 21 year old, Caroline, a tall, a good looking girl with large dark eyes and full lips; she is madly in love with Mike, athletic and intelligent, and handsome in mischievous but Mike wants sex. She puts it this way:
How do I make my boyfriend understand that I love him so much but I’m just not ready for sex yet?
I’m 21 and a virgin. I’ve known him for about two months but we’ve been dating for about a month. He’s really nice, really sweet, He’s basically everything I want and I really love him. He’s more experienced than I am socially, sexually and so on. I’m ridiculously quiet, shy and reserved. The first time I visited him, we kissed and got all romantic but I told him that I’m a virgin and I’m not ready yet. He said I should let someone who loves me disvirgin me (meaning I should let him do it). But I insisted and he stopped.
I was supposed to meet him the next day, He texted me and told me he wants us to make love. I told him I’m not yet ready. I’ve been able to resist his requests for sex. Every time we meet he asks for it. Every single time.
He told me one time that we are not kids, we are adults that we should behave like adults……I should behave like an adult. That he can’t keep doing this. That he has emotions and he doesn’t want to cheat on me but if I keep refusing he might be tempted to cheat.
I feel so pressured. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose him. But i want my first time to happen when I’m ready and without one single doubt. I don’t want to regret the day i lost my virginity. I think he’s gradually pulling away from me because of this. Because I can’t give him what he wants so badly. I don’t know how long I will be able to resist the requests.
I fear =>
I might end up having sex with him just to make him happy,
or I might loose him because I couldn’t have sex with him
I don’t know what to do. I love to do. I love him so much. I’ve never felt this way about anyone
Any advice?
My advice to Carol is to think about the other girls who were part of Mike’s past sexual experiences what happened to them? Why did he ditch them? Perhaps they have given him sex made him happy and now he has left them. Same would happen to her if he gets the sex he wants from her. Furthermore, Mike is sweet and charming because that how he attracts girls, and she is attracted to him because he is sweet and nice, but she better beware, for it soon wears thin.
Similarly, Carol thinks that she really loves him, but the question is does he really love her? If he does, then what is he waiting for? Why does he not propose to her and let them get married? If he does not, then they are both wasting each other’s time, and worse she could get hurt.
In addition, when she tells him that she is not ready for sex, and he says she should let someone who loves her disvirgin her, meaning that she should let him do it. So Mike here isn’t proposing but wants her virginity. Rob Kowalski in his blog on 10 reasons not to have sex before marriage says that people find it difficult to understand “no sex before marriage” but when you say no “sex before love” they get it, but then how do people know they love each other? The answer would be if they want to marry each other. If a Mike truly loves Carol the only proof of that is that he would want to marry her and spend the rest of his life with her, if he is doe not, then he is simply lusting after her body and he would be done with her as soon as he has had his satisfaction and that is the truth, any other way you look at it is a lie. Now the funny thing is that we human have a high tendency to deceive ourselves, to believe even lies so that we get what we went, it is easy to believe or make ourselves believe that someone loves us, but the only way to find out if what is believe is true is to test it. Thus if Mike says to Carol, “Because I love you lets have sex,” Carol should say to him, “If you love me, prove it, marry me and then you can have all the sex you want.” Let’s see how that works out. My guess is that Mike would probably run away and never come back. Thus marriage is the real test of love, talk is cheap, marriage is action and that is hard. No one marries someone just to have sex, but people marry because they love.
Yet according to Carol, every time they meet, Mike asks for sex every single time and not once has he asked her to marry him. This guy is probably a sex addict, you see that is the thing, people think they can satisfy the urge for sex by having sex, rather the urge for sex only grows fiercer the more sex they have. Mike has had plenty of sex, and with girls he never would marry so he only sees sex when he sees a woman and Carol is no different to him than the other girls he has used and moved on. All that sweet talk and nicety is to attract girls like sugar attracts ants and he is unrelenting in his demand for sex gradually wearing Carol down, the only goal, the mains aim is her body, to have sex with her and nothing more. His urge is growing with each conquest and he is not going to stop with Carol. Furthermore, multiple sex partners increases Mike’s chance of having a sexually transmitted disease (STD) which he would soon transmit to Carol. Furthermore, men don’t get pregnant and that’s why sex for them, sex is risk free, but not for girls,; there is a good possibility that Carol could get pregnant and since Mike does not love her enough to marry her, she could find herself having a baby with someone who doesn’t want her around him forever, and that is a bad, this could get her into having an abortion (which is killing of a human being by the way) or having to be an unwed mother.
Again, Carol should know that easy come easy go, what comes easy is often not cherished. I think it was Mohammed Ali that said that diamonds are buried deep underground thus by the efforts it takes to get them they are often very expensive and hence very much treasured, if they were easy to get, then they would not be so valuable. Furthermore, as Rob Kowalski puts it rather simplistically that, in a relationship, a man says to a woman, “I will give you security (marriage) if you give me sex.” Thus a woman who gives sex without receiving security is often regarded as a hoe, while the man who gets sex without giving security is often praised as a stud. But in reality it is much more than that, since sex has a much deeper meaning especially in a Christian context, sex is the consummation or the fulfillment of the covenantal self exchange between a man and woman, as the Holy book says, “By this a man would leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife and the two shall become one flesh,” Sex is the physical expression of the self donation between the man and woman when they exchange the marital vows, “I am yours and you are mine” which is by its very nature is meant to last till death. So it makes little sense to have sex with someone who has not made a prior commitment to become yours forever, and think about it, your future husband would be very happy that you did not sleep with all those men. And finally, physical attraction diminishes and wears off with time and if there is nothing connecting two people together other than physical sex attraction then they are treading on very thin ice. This is again were marriage plays a significant role because two people who are married are admitting that their relationship goes way beyond the physical, they want to remain with each other come what may and are willing to face the odds of life together, in other words, it is a clear demonstration of their firm love and lasting friendship which nothing can stand in the way.
Below are interesting videos on strategies to use if you have a boyfriend and wish to keep your virginity till marriage
Authors-choice: Hope & Revival 
[…] Still a Virgin and not ready for sex but boyfriend is asking? How not to lose your Virginity before … […]
The author is correct to recommend caution with a man that’s pressuring this much and you shouldn’t do that with someone just out of fear. With that said, the author is off-base about women who abstain being in high demand. I grew up very religious and have known many attractive girls who’ve chosen to abstain, and as a result frankly many of them just never had relationships. Most of the ones who did get married were to men of lower quality than they could have managed otherwise. So my question to “Caroline” would be this: are you waiting because you simply aren’t ready with this man, or are you waiting because you’ve been told that waiting will increase your value to other potential partners? If it’s the latter, well that’s just not really true in a society where high quality men don’t have to abstain before marriage to retain their status.
Hi, Evantbyrne, thanks to writing in, I think what you are saying is that waiting does not guarantee getting a good husband, I could agree with that, but I would argue that it’s not just about the man but Caroline’ own happiness as well, the second video I posted with this article explains it as ” Ueudiamonia” that is the holistic happiness of the individual. You see, we can choose to have sex, pleasure now or differ it for a holistic happiness that waiting could give, this includes, less risk of divorce (studies show that high rate of extra marital sex corollates with high divorce rates). Furthermore, sex causes the release of chemical dopamine in the brain that affects the ability to judge a relationship objectively, thus many people are trapped in a harmful relationship with someone that they aren’t compatible with but because of the bonding and blinding effect of sex, they aren’t able to see alor aren’t able to break it off. And I agree with you that though a girl who has waited may not get the richest and handsomest dude in town but I bet she would have less regrets for waiting than if she had been the play toy of the boys club.
Anecdotally there seems to be a stark difference IRL between having sex in a monogamous relationship and being a “play toy of the boys club”. Any study of total partners to divorce rate would also need to be broken down by factors like type of relationship and demographic data for me to take it seriously, given the large number of variables that correlate with divorce rates. In terms of dopamine, I haven’t seen any evidence that the amounts released or duration of that release would prevent future cognition. And if that were the case then married couples–who generally have more sex than singles–are in trouble. Finally, my comments on quality are not just exclusive to looks and money, although those likely correlate with other qualities. The overall point of the original post was to pose the question as to why one feels the need to wait, and that if acting based on fear of losing out, it should be noted that may not be entirely rational given all of the “market forces” at play.
I would argue that waiting for marriage isn’t solely based on fear of losing out, rather it’s based on common sense or “self preservation”
Furthermore, I am in agreement with the author of the second video, she argues that quality of sex in relationships can be compared to say taking aim at a bull ‘s eye, and there are shots that gets ever closer to the bull’s eyes but the one that hits is that concept that is holistic, not just the immediate sexual gratification, but takes into account the entire happiness of the person involved, this includes the long term happiness, stability, protection from abuse, possibly having children and so on.