What Is Appropriate on a Date? by Anthony Buono

8 02 2016

what is appropriate

Dating is a process, and within the process are expectations. The first expectation is that both persons are positively open to finding their future spouse and they are spending time with each other specifically because they want to determine if the other might be that person for their future marriage. The second expectation is that both persons are serious about staying close to God and having a chaste dating experience. That means both persons are interested in making sure the relationship develops without having sexually related things happen that are reserved only for marriage. What are those things? Obviously, intercourse is the big one. But also any physical actions that would stimulate or cause arousal. For example, kissing on the lips for a few seconds can be a nice sign of affection and does not typically stimulate or arouse. But a “French kiss” (a kiss with the tongue) or prolonged kissing on the lips along with pressing the other against you will naturally stimulate and arouse.

So the rule of thumb is to avoid anything physical that can stimulate and arouse you or the other person to desire something more sexually. You don’t want to put each other into an occasion of sin, and you want to respect each other. However, as fallen human nature will have it, people fail in this area and they either try to get the other to do more than they should, or both concede to do more. Scrupulosity would cause one or both persons to see these failures as a sign that the other person is no good for them and to end the relationship. Or one of the persons might see the other’s desire for them sexually as a sign that this person is no good for them because of their sexual interest in them outside of marriage. It’s good to not be too hard on each other. It’s a challenging age we live in, so we should be quicker to give people the benefit of the doubt and not quick to make them feel bad. Just something to think about.

The heroic goal, however, that all good people of faith should strive for is that they never give up the gift they have to give their spouse on their wedding night, which is their body, given to the other in sexual intimacy that bonds the two in marriage and is open to children. For older single persons who might not be able to have children, this purpose is still the same. Sexual union is meant to bond the two in mutual love and to be open to life. That openness to life might not come from natural children, but their love will desire to reach out to the children of others and touch their lives.

You asked about romance, friendship, and intimacy. All of these things can be expressed chastely before marriage. And what we are really saying is that to be chaste is to not allow those things to happen that pertain to the bodies of each other that only a husband and wife have the “rights” to give each other in marriage. In marriage, a woman gives one man “rights” to her body for a lifetime, and the man does the same for that one woman. It is an exchange of rights to their bodies for those purposes in marriage.

Romance and friendship build intimacy. They can also build sexual desire. Once sexual desire is aroused, that is when new things have to be addressed, including preserving chastity and determining marriage. Romancing during dating is simply the process of making the other feel special and uniquely loved. Some people overdo it with what romance is and what they expect romance to be during the dating process. It does not have to be expensive dates and unusual or exotic places to spend time, or love songs or poems written, etc. But whatever it is that can be done to make the other person feel special or make them smile is romance. Nothing is wrong with any of that in dating.

Building the friendship is much more important than romance. To marry someone you can count on, feel secure about and with, whom you can trust, and whom you just can’t imagine spending your life without is a precious gift. Friends do still hurt each other, we must not forget. But friends are always “there” for you. They can be counted on. They do not come and go based on moods or feelings. They can be trusted to be your friend, even when you might not be that good of a friend. When you marry someone, you almost want it to be more important to hear “I trust you” than “I love you”. Anyone can just say “I love you”, but it’s hard to say “I trust you.” And if you do, you better mean it, and the other person better step up to being trustworthy.

This is why I strongly believe that a man and a woman cannot be “close friends” without there being romantic developments. Friendship that grows leads to intimacy. You would be hard-pressed to find a woman who is married or serious with a man who will be comfortable with her fiancé or husband having a close friend of the opposite sex. Friendship is powerful, and it is so special. Men need other close male friends, and women need other close female friends. Those friendships have an intimacy that is important for their well-being. Same-sex friendships are critical. But opposite-sex friendships have to be very careful.

So what I really want to advise you here about friendship during the dating process is 1) encourage each other to have same-sex friends and spend time with them, and 2) be very careful about how you both handle opposite-sex friends. So many terrible things happen to ruin good relationships based on these two things alone. Having same-sex friends is so important, even in marriage. A man needs to have his time out with other male friends and so does a woman need her time with her girl friends. It makes the marriage much healthier. Sometimes you see a person give up their friends because they want to spend ALL their time with the person they are dating. That is not good, nor healthy, and it is a sign that there might be other problems. And sometimes a person gets jealous of a friend that the person he or she is dating has. For example, a woman who gets defensive or insecure about a woman her boyfriend is very close to and the way they interact. That boyfriend would do well to understand he has to be mindful of how his opposite-sex friendships can affect a dating relationship. It’s never good or healthy to feel threatened by the relationship of your fiancé or spouse with a person of the opposite sex. But it is also dangerous to get “too close” to someone of the opposite sex when you are serious with someone else, or engaged, or married.

What people need to realize is that “intimacy” does not mean “sex” or intercourse. Physical, genital expression is a kind of intimacy that is reserved for a man and a woman who are married. It is a fulfillment of something begun in their relationship that is now able to be fully expressed in their marriage. But it is one kind of intimacy. There are other kinds of intimacy. Romance and friendship help develop intimacy. Intimacy affects the whole person. It is emotional, psychological, physiological, and spiritual. People who are dating have to develop intimacy. But they must never allow their intimacy to get expressed sexually. There can be signs of affection, but they cannot go too far, for the intimacy that is reserved for a man and a woman in marriage is too sacred to be abused. The dating process is time of mystery that builds up toward a great unveiling. Marriage is a lifetime of unveiling.

You also want to be careful about your dating time going on too long. For older singles, there should not be the need of as much time dating as younger people might have to do. Most older people know who they are, what they have, and what they want. They should have a maturity level that can allow for a reasonable amount of dating before entering exclusivity (courtship), and then shortly after that, engagement to be married. If you are able to see each other for several days at a time at least a couple of times per month, you should both know if you want to be exclusive within three months or so. After another three months or so of exclusivity, which is a time period used to determine a reason why you both should NOT get married, there should be engagement. Then, of course, marriage should take place six months or so after that. This timeline depends on spending your time together (and apart) wisely.

What is a “wise” use of this time of dating and courtship? Getting to know each other, spending time with each other in person and with each other’s family and friends, asking as many questions as necessary, and discovering love. There will be a point when you both discover that you really can’t see living your lives without the other. That is the time to get engaged to be married.

Be careful of men that prolong dating and will not go exclusive. You need to see a man making “commitment moves” all along the way. These commitment moves will be a sign to you that this man is serious about the process of finding a wife. If he is already not interested in seeing other women, then, in a way, you are already exclusive. But the courtship period should be accepted by both “officially”. You will want to hear him say that he is not open to any other women during this time of discovering a reason why you should not get married. So to go into courtship means that marriage should already have been talked about.

There is no need to get obsessive about how all these things will play out. All I am doing is giving food for thought. Things should and will happen quite naturally. What I want to make sure you avoid is investing too much time in a relationship that goes nowhere. In other words, you should not be just “dating” after six months. That’s too long to not be committed to a serious phase of your relationship and moving toward engagement. Otherwise, you not only may be wasting your time, you might invest your heart to the point of really getting hurt unnecessarily.

That brings me to the word “love.” Don’t use it unless you mean it in a way that desires permanence. A man will use the word “love” much more quickly and loosely than will a woman. Your job is to make sure you don’t use that word until you know he is the man you want for the rest of your life and that you are pretty certain he DOES love you and is not just saying it at an emotional level. Saying “I love you” too early can cause confusion as you go along. So be careful of this.

There is so much more I could share with you, but I think this should suffice for now to help you along. I hope you find it helpful.

 





10 Lessons about Condoms You Need before Losing Your Virginity By: CARLA M.

3 02 2016

 

Why I chose to wait

Some girls believe it is safe to have sex if the guy is using a condom. They think it will keep them from getting pregnant or catching sexually transmitted diseases like AIDS, Syphilis, Gonorrhea, genital warts or Herpes.  If you are one of such girls, do you know the whole story? Do you know that the claim that condom is safe and can protect you from getting pregnant or being infected with sexually transmitted diseases like HIV is FALSE?

When doctors work on someone with HIV, they put on two pairs of gloves, a full gown over their clothes, a mask and goggles. Even then, they don’t feel completely “safe”. How then do you think having sex with a guy, exchanging bodily fluids, sweat, saliva and a whole lot of other stuff, that a thin slip of condom will protect you? Here are 10 hard facts about condoms you need to ponder before using it

  1. Every latex condom has intrinsic holes of about 5 microns diameter–these holes enable it to stretch when pulled on. The HIV virus is about 0.1 microns and can pass through condoms like a house cat passes through a garage door. Never mind when they say that condoms are, “waterproof”. The human skin is also waterproof. Does it mean our skin has no pores? We’d all die if our skin didn’t have sweat pores. The skin is waterproof and helps to conserve the water content of the body, but also allows sweat through the pores when we are hot.
  1. During manufacture, some condoms get inflicted with defective holes of 50 microns in as much as 2.5 percent of each batch passed.
  1. While putting on condoms, finger nails and rings can snag it and make it leak without the knowledge of the user
  1. During sex, 13% of the time, condoms bust or break in action. 21% of the times, condoms slip down or off the penis, spilling all the sperm.
  2. Condoms break during sex because of the five sets of stress acting on it, expanding the holes, and weakening its membrane. These five sets of stress are:
  • Uniform lateral stress from stretching
  • Pressure stress perpendicular to the lateral stress
  • Twisting and angular stress
  • Frictions stress from rubbing
  • Stress  from mixture of bodily fluids and lubricant of the condom and repeated, simultaneous application of mechanical stress
  1. Most guys don’t even use condoms.

A guy explained why he did not use condoms with his girl: “well, I had to convince and convince, and when she finally said yes, I could not risk going outside to buy condoms since she might change her mind before I came back”

“Surveys and other researches have been conducted to find out how often and how well condoms are used. The results vary from study to study. Findings, however, generally suggest that:

  • Only about a half of sexually active guys report using a condom the last time they had sex.
  • When given a basic list of procedures for correct condom use, less than half of sexually active guys report they use condoms correctly.
  • The more sexually experienced people are (in terms of the number of lifetime partners), the less likely they are to use condoms consistently.
  • In a study of couples who knew their partner was HIV positive, only about half used condoms consistently.
  1. Study shows that “latex breaks down in heat, yet condoms are transported in trucks that get so hot you can fry an egg!” They are also kept in glove compartments of cars, or inside wallets
  1. Many women whose husbands use only the condoms as their means of preventing conception become pregnant within 12 months (pregnancy is possible only on a few days in the month when the woman is fertile), whereas HIV infection is possible every time an infected person has sex and the human sperm is 500 times bigger that the HIV virus. Note also that women catch HIV 5 times faster than men.
  1. Thus, it is safe to conclude that condoms provide less protection than most people think. The U.S. surgeon general, “when you have sex with someone, you are having sex with everyone they have sex with for the last ten years, and everyone they and their partners have had sex with for the last ten years. If anyone has been exposed to HIV… It’s been nice knowing you!”

And lastly, neither do condoms provide protection for the heart, mind and emotions. Maybe waiting for that special lifetime partner is worth the investment – it’s certainly safer.

Source: Family Planning Perspective

 

 

 





Losing Virginity: 17 Things to Know When Dating by Kristin Oert

2 02 2016

dating

Dating is a process through which a guy and a girl come to marry.  A couple setting out on a date should know 17 things:

1) As between almost any couple (guy and a girl), there is a natural PHYSICAL SEXUAL attraction.  Those starting out on a date should know: we are such a couple.      – A sexual attraction is not sufficient foundation on which to build a marriage.

2) For a marriage what is needed is a MARITAL ATTRACTION – which can only develop and be discovered gradually

3) Therefore, the important issue is not, are we a couple who are sexually attracted to one another (this may easily happen), but are we a couple capable of developing a relationship that cements into a life-union?

4) Precisely because the sex desire is easily awakened and easily grows in intensity, it must be recognized for what it is and treated firmly, keeping it in its place.  If given rein, it grows; a couple can feel strongly sexually drawn to one another as if they were deeply in love; but if they marry just based on that, it may not last; for they never gave love a chance to grow.

5) Love between a guy and a girl, if deep and genuine, normally develops into a desire for UNION IN BOTH BODY AND SOUL. Ideally these two aspects – LOVE OF BODY and LOVE OF SOUL – should be in harmony; in practice they often are not.

6) If the bodily love is let assert itself too much, the love soul may be arrested or even destroyed.  The natural physical instinct of love is to want to possess the body: its natural spiritual instinct is to want to respect the person.  Thu, LOVE, if it is true, quickly senses the danger latent in a touch or a caress, and refrains; or cuts the physical act short once it realizes that what perhaps began as a simple expression of affection is quickly turning into a powerful desire for egoistic self-satisfaction.

dating 2

7)  If an incipient sexual attraction between a guy and a girl is to lead on to and mature into a marriage with a real promise of happiness to it, the couple need to ensure that the sexual desires – always present and, let us repeat, in itself inclined to quick sex acts- is not let get ahead of the marital decision by which a guy and a girl make a complete surrender of themselves, in body and in person, to one another, so forming a union capable of fulfilling all the human meaning of sexuality.

8)  To give one’s body without giving one’s self is to turn one’s sexuality into a lie; it is to deceive another, and or to be deceived by him or her, in the very truth that human love demands.  To give oneself, temporarily, in and with one’s body, is not really to give but just to lend.  Nothing is actually given, unless it is totally given – for keeps. To “lend” oneself, in the sexual use of one’s body, is to degrade the dignity of self, of body, and of sexuality.

9) So, in passing from friendship to love to engagement, on the way that leads to marriage, it is important to bear in mind that certain gestures have different meanings in themselves, and that even the same sign can be made to express different attitudes or emotions.  A handshake can be cold or warm; an artificially warm handshake tends to introduce an element of insincerity into a relationship.

dating 3

A kiss between lovers is seldom less than warm; all the more reason for those who are not yet married but both love and wish to respect each other, not to permit an expression of affection that in itself signifies (or can lead on to) a greater and more total dedication than their present mutual situation warrants.  If each is fully sincere with himself or herself and equally so with the other, it will be easier to recognize what is adequate – or not – to the situation in which they find themselves; what is a true expression of their love as it presently exists not just in feeling but in actual personal commitment based on mutual respect, and what would be a false expression, because it seeks to take all it can get without being definitively prepared and pledged to give all it can give.

10) Firmness and quickness on the part of either one of the couple in cutting short something that they sense will lead to sex, which is self-seeking, is a deep sign of respect for the other.  Rather than a refusal to express love, it is an expression of love.  The opposite can be an expression of simple selfishness.

11) When two unmarried persons allow the physical attraction between them to find its outlet in sexual intercourse – in other words, in what of its nature is a marital act – then they are either “playing at being married” (play-acting which has a disastrous effect on the real thing if it comes), or else they are simply reducing the sexual act itself – which is humanly meant to be a sign of total, enduring and unconditional self-surrender – to a mere (though perhaps more intense) expression of what is as yet but a temporary and uncommitted affection.  In either case they have already ensured that their physical union with the person whom they may eventually marry can never be experienced as what it is designed to be: a unique act shared only with the spouse for whom one has kept oneself, and with whom now at last one experiences a union never before known.

12)  The spousal love of an engaged person is meant to have a virginal consummation.  Only those who endeavor to come to marriage as virgins can experience the truly singular joy of marital donation.  This is the positive meaning and value of virginity: to keep oneself so as to give, to have something unique to give, in a gift that is given only to a spouse.  Hence derives the whole concept and value of spousal fidelity.

13) If a person wants to give himself, he must first possess that self.  Self-possession is not shown by promptness of feelings or strength of desire, but by self-control.  A feeling towards another person is seldom to be trusted – and the other person should seldom trust its expressions – unless it has been checked and confirmed by both mind and will.

14) Pre-marital chastity is the consequence of realizing that the sexual attraction is a delicate and precious reality that must be treated with the utmost care.  Carelessness, heedlessness, is a sign of immaturity and can lead to the ruin of that is precious in that relationship.

15)  The passage from friendship to attraction, from attraction to engagement, from engagement to wedding, is the gradual transition – which only in its last stage becomes definitive – from “you and I” to “us”.  The “we” of a married couple is something unique – a “we” that can almost be conjugated in the singular.

The marital instinct tends towards an interpersonal donation and acceptance of a quite singular nature: a privileged and committed choice of a “partner” in a common life enterprise where each spouse “belongs” in a unique way to the other.  The donation is mutual, and implies mutual acceptance.  Mutual gift and acceptance are of the essence of the marital covenant” (Guy and Values)

wedding pic

16)  Dating is the time not so much for enjoying sex, as for discovering love: to discover the extent and depth of love; and the capacity of each one to love. If it is the time to discover love, it is also the time to discover defects because marriage always involves loving a defective person; rather it involves two defective persons loving each other. It is the time to discover and know each other’s weak and selfish points.

It is so important to know one’s defects:

– one’s own

– his or hers

17)  The best way of being able to judge a defective person’s capacity for living unitedly and lovingly with another defective person, is to get to know how they behave in their present family: towards parents, brothers and sisters.  If they are bears in their present family, they will equally bears in the one they form in the future.

Defects are inevitable.  The fact of defects is no argument against marriage, as long as a person is prepared to fight to be generous.

“Incompatibility”; a very relative concept.  Two persons each with a quick temper can have a very close and happy married relationship, provided they are prepared to constantly make up.





10 Benefits of Remaining a Virgin till Marriage by Nancy Hanna

31 01 2016

wedding romance

With so many sex movies and sexual images all around, girls are under pressure from their boyfriends to have sex. They can no longer wait till marriage. Are you pressed to have sex before you marry?  Here are 10 benefits of waiting till you marry to have sex.

  1. Sex is a powerful force that can destroy if not used properly. Like atomic power, sex is the most powerful creative force given to man. When atomic power is used correctly it can create boundless energy; when it is used in the wrong way it destroys life. Sex is the same kind of powerful force. Sex is a gift from God to give us the greatest pleasure, to help in creating a deep companionship with one’s spouse and for procreation of the next generation. But if you play with this powerful force outside the bounds of marriage, it destroys you and those close to you.
  2. Sexual activity for young people arrests their psychological, social and academic development. Studies show that when young people engage in premarital sex, their academic performance declines and their social relationships with family and friends deteriorate. This is because adolescents are too immature to deal with the explosive sex drive and it tends to dominate their life.
  3. The majority of women cannot enjoy sex outside of the bonds of marriage. The development of a fulfilling sex life needs the security and peace of the marriage bond. Premarital sex usually takes place sneaking around in hidden places dealing with the fear of being caught, the fear of pregnancy and feelings of guilt. All these (worrisome) factors undermine pleasure in premarital sex, most especially for women.
  4. Virginity is to be given to the most important person in your life, the person you committed yourself to stay with forever in marriage. Your virginity is the most precious thing you have to give to your spouse. Once you lose it, nothing in the world can bring it back. Don’t lose something so precious in a thoughtless way.
  5. Those who engage in premarital sex run a high risk of contracting one of the many venereal diseases rampant today, as well as losing their fertility. Not just AIDS, but other common disfiguring diseases like herpes have no cure.
  6. Some venereal diseases have no symptoms and many couples discover many years later that they became infertile because of these diseases. Infertility experts estimate that 80% of today’s infertility is due to venereal diseases contracted before they married.
  7. The best and only method that guarantees 100% against AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases is to wait for marriage to have sex and maintain fidelity in your marriage.
  8. Premarital sex breaks the 10 Commandments given by God. The 10 Commandments are given to man by God to make man happy. They are not outdated and they are not restrictive. If we follow these laws, we can create happy and prosperous lives. If we don’t follow them, we will pay a heavy price in divorce, disease, abortions, illegitimate children and loneliness. Modern men make a big mistake when they think that they can break these eternal laws and not suffer consequences.
  1. Premarital sex runs the risk of conceiving illegitimate children. Numerous scientific studies show that the children of single mothers suffer psychologically and are less successful socially and academically than children from intact families. Above all, children need both their father and their mother. It is wrong to risk having children who will never have their father’s love, protection and care.
  2. If you date and you don’t have sex, you can forget about that relationship when you stop dating. But if you have sex with those you date and then break up, the nature of sexual involvement creates strong, often unpleasant memories for your whole life. Every relationship you break up where you had intimate relations is like a mini-divorce. The psychological difficulties of these mini-divorces does damage to your character. Later, when you are married and go to bed with your beloved spouse, these unpleasant memories will accompany you.

True love waits. If a boy or girl truly loves you, they will want the best for you. They will not want you to suffer fear of disease, unwanted pregnancy and the psychological difficulties of premarital sex. They will want to experience love with you only in the very best place of all – the love nest of marriage.

 





Why My Wedding Night was a Flop by Miria Reki

25 01 2016

My wedding night was a flop

My boyfriend and I did not wait until marriage before sex. Then came our wedding day and I suddenly wished that we had.  Yeah, I got a little emotional because I did not want our wedding night to be just one more night; I wanted it to be special.

I tried cutting off sex a few months before the wedding, so we can “wait” until the big day and then start having sex again but when I overhead my boyfriend gripping to his guys, “She’s making me wait now! She says no more sex until the wedding. Ugh.” I had to give in to stop the whining.

If you asked me to explain, I can tell that it just feels right that the crowing of the beginning of our life-long- commitment with each other should be marked by a unique act, an act of self-giving performed for the first time as a symbol, a memorial. It should have been our first time of having sex. All the overwhelming emotions, passions and crushing tenderness we poured into our first sex was “stolen” from our wedding night. I remember with tenderness our first sex, but I dread the memories of our wedding night, it fills me with pain.

We should have waited for that night to have sex for the first time

Because we’ve already been having sex, and living together for years, our wedding night was nothing new. It was just a night of disappointment, an anti climax. It could have been any of the many nights we had sex after a night out with the boys. My boyfriend turned husband was unusually drunk and the quick jerky entanglement we had just before he passed out was one of the worst memories in my life.

Thus, though our wedding day is beautiful, the food was good; yet we had no sense of mystery or of expectation. There was no magic in air for us. We had no sense of anticipation or of discovery.  Rather, we felt our wedding was just mere legalities. It didn’t change anything. It did not mark the end of one era and beginning of new. It was just a fancy public celebration of the lifestyle that was already living. Our wedding night—-we did not start a new life — we simply went back to the exact same life.

My best friend Lisa waited her whole life without having sex until her wedding night and she would forever talk about it. It was spectacularly more special and meaningful than mine — with totally off-the-charts specialness.

I tell my  daughter to wait, “Your wedding day and night will be everything every Hallmark card, every romance novel, every poem, every religious text, and every little girl’s fantasy as a wedding should be.” I tell her.

“All of the symbolism — turning from two lives into one, owning each other in every way, making a commitment with body and soul — will be physically real to you and present throughout your wedding day and night.”

“Others will reach their wedding day and find themselves thinking “Sigh…I kind of wish we had waited”. You will reach your wedding day and think “I’m so glad we waited!”

I hope she learns from her poor mother’s sad experience.





Why I Wish To Wait Till Marriage before Losing My Virginity by Angela Oyoh

23 01 2016

 

I wish to wait

A friend of mine caught an awful sexually transmitted disease recently.  She suspects a boy she had sex with after a Friday night party even though they had used a condom. She is on medication and itches a lot. She also complains a lot of a burning pressure in her abdomen and some stinking virginal discharges. I do not know if her disease is curable, but she had had it for a while now and does not seem to be getting any better.

Another friend got pregnant accidentally. She was far too young to be a mother and it devastated her. I watched helplessly as her situation stalled and redirected the course of her young life.

Another girl had an abortion and has never been the same. The laughter and joy that used to shine in her eyes has vanished.  She is pretending she is well but I sometimes see how inconsolably guilty she feels when I look her in the eye.

Another friend who gave herself up fully to having sex with her boyfriend was destroyed beyond repair when the guy turned out to be a shallow jackass.

Another is trapped in a doomed relationship fast past its expiry date– holding her back from moving on and growing, just because of the addiction to the sex they are having. She has said to me a thousand times, “I really wish I hadn’t slept with him”.

This is why I opt to wait till marriage before I have sex. I wish to be spared all these pains; I hope I will never have to endure what my friends are going through.  I want to be immune to them, above them, outside of their reach.





10 reasons I am happy I kept my Virginity till Marriage by Maureen Abah

6 05 2015

maureen maba

Today, purity and chastity seems out of fashion. Girls see sex as the ultimate fulfillment of their relationship with guys. Sexually active guys were considered “winners” and sexually active girls are called “experienced.” On the other hand, someone who saves his or her virginity for marriage is taken to be a prude, sexually incapable, or repressed by the Church. However, the reality is completely the opposite. Let’s take a look at 10 reasons why I did not loose my virginity to my boyfriend until we got married and why I am happy about it.
1. Because our relationship was not hinged on sex, we had good communication between us. This was because we were not just focused on pleasure but on the joy of sharing our views and experiences with each other; moreover, our conversations became deeper. By contrast, many of my girlfriends who had sex with their boyfriends complained of lack of emotional intimacy with their partners despite the physical intimacy. Sex is an easy way to relate, but it overshadows other forms of communication. It is a way of avoiding the real work involved in emotional intimacy, like talking about deep personal issues and working on the basic differences between the two of you.

  1. My boyfriend and I had deep conversations and shared interests. Sex can lead teenage girls to think they are emotionally close to guys, when in fact they are not. A romantic relationship essentially consists in cultivating a friendship, and there is no friendship without conversation and shared interests. Personal conversation creates friendships and helps us to discover one another and get to know the other’s qualities and flaws. Some young people are driven by passion, and when they get to know each other more deeply, they end up disenchanted. And they did not get to know each other because they never got to be friends; instead, they were “friends with benefits.”
  2. My boyfriend and I were good friends with our parents. When guys and girls respect each other, their love matures and improves their friendship with both sets of parents. Generally, parents prefer their unmarried children to live lives of sexual continence, and they are concerned if they know their children are sexually active without being married. When a couple knows they have to hide their sexual relations, their guilt and stress grow. Couples who decide to wait relate more amicably with their own parents and with their beloved’s parents.
  3. My boyfriend and I felt free to question whether we should continue the relationship. Sexual relationships have the power to strongly unite two people, and can prolong an unhealthy relationship based on physical attraction or the need for security. A person may feel “trapped” in a relationship that they would like to end, but they can’t find their way out. A person who is not having sex can more easily break the emotional bond to the other, because there has not been such powerful intimacy on the physical level. Moreover, if the woman gets pregnant, both partners do not feel as free to decide to get separated, get married, go to work, and so on.
  4. Our non-sexual relationship encouraged us to be generous with one another instead of being selfish. Sexual relations in dating can lead to selfishness and a focus on self-satisfaction. They can lead people to feel like they are competing with others whom their partner may find more attractive. It fosters insecurity and selfishness, because when you get sexually intimate, the tendency is to ask for more and more.
  5. My boyfriend and I seldom fought or quarreled. Sex outside of marriage is associated with violence and other forms of abuse. For example, there is more than twice the physical aggression among couples living together without any commitment than among married couples. There is less jealousy and less selfishness in dating couples who decide to postpone sexual activity than in those who are driven by passion.
  6. Because we practiced abstinence, my boyfriend and I found new ways to show affection for one another; we used inventiveness and ingenuity to have a good time and to demonstrate our interest in each other. The relationship became stronger as we had more opportunities to get to know each other’s character and habits, and learn the ways to maintain the relationship.
  7. We have been happily married for 15 years with 6 children and still in love. Research shows that couples who have cohabited are more likely to divorce than those who have not cohabited.
  8. My girlfriend who decided to break off the relationship with a guy with whom she had been having sex, but who was abusing her and taken her virginity was very hurt and humiliated when the guy went to town bragging about how many time he had her and so on. When sex is involved, break-up and the resulting pain is more intense. When you have not been sexually intimate and decide to break up, the separation is less devastating.
  9. Most importantly, my boyfriend and I had a lot of confidence in ourselves while we were dating; the reason was that we could look each other in the eye without the guilt and shame that sexually active people often have. Our sexual restraint enhanced our intellectual, artistic, and social potential as we put all that creative energy into developing our talents and our marriage today.




Why Many College Girls Think They Don’t Have Enough Sex by Ross Douthat

20 12 2013

Why Many College Girls Think They Don't Have Enough Sex by Ross Douthat

Not surprisingly, my weekend musings on the gender-specific anxieties parents might have about their daughters, and how those anxieties might possibly translate into some sort of affinity for moral traditionalism, has prompted a lot of responses from socially-liberal and feminist commentators — some huffy, some bemused, some condescending, some all three. For the purposes of this post I’m just going to work off these remarks from the New Republic’s Marc Tracy, who interviewed Adelle Waldman, the novelist whose “The Love Affairs of Nathaniel P.” served as one of my column’s touchstones, and who used their conversation as grist for the following conclusion:
In my reading, Douthat makes the classic, noble conservative mistake of assuming that rigid social conventions must do the work that we cannot trust young adults to do themselves. Waldman’s opinion (and mine) is that granting young men and women the social freedom to make their own way will result, most of the time and more times than not, in liberated decision-making that leaves everyone better off.
While hesitating to be too much of a spoiler, Waldman explained, “The person Nate winds up with in the book is one that he slept with on the first date. And that was deliberate, because it doesn’t ring true to my experience or to people I know that relationships are better when you wait to have sex.” She added, in a line that should only sound gooey if you have never been through it, “I think that what really makes relationships work depends on the two people and what they bring to it at that moment in time.”
I actually have no idea what kind of romantic landscape would result from perfectly “liberated decision-making,” because — much like the anarcho-capitalist utopia of certain libertarian imaginings — no such perfect personal liberation is possible. To be human in society is to live with conventions, patterns, expectations; if you do away with one set on the grounds that it’s too “rigid,” as Tracy puts it, you can expect that whatever social system emerges after the revolution will have its own set of pressures, assumptions, and constraints.
Here’s a relevant example of what I mean. If you look at the sociological literature on premarital sex and the attitudes surrounding it — how soon it should happen in a relationship, how casually it should take place — you see fairly clear gender differences: In the aggregate (note: I said aggregate), women’s stated preferences incline them toward a somewhat longer period of dating before sex and a closer link between intimacy, monogamy and commitment. And then you also see a significant correlation between female happiness and the fulfillment of those preferences: The risk of depression, for instance, is much lower for women with stable relationships and a low number of overall sexual partners, a correlation which doesn’t appear to anything like the same degree for men.

But then when you ask women (and men) what they assume about other people’s sexual preferences and behavior, there is a consistent overestimation of how often and how quickly their peers are having sex. The phenomenon at work here goes by the technical name “pluralistic ignorance,” and its effects are summarized as follows by Mark Regnerus and Jeremy Uecker, in a discussion of sexual patterns on college campuses:
… pluralistic ignorance happens when within a group of individuals, each person believes his or her private attitudes, beliefs, or judgments are discrepant from the norm displayed by the public behavior of others. Therefore, each group member, wishing to be seen as a desirable member of the group, publicly conforms to the norm, each believing he or she is the only one in the group experiencing conflict between his or her private attitude and his or her public behavior. Group members believe that most others in their group, especially those who are popular and opinion leaders, actually endorse the norm and want to behave that way, while they themselves privately feel they are going along with the norm because of a desire to fit in with the group and exemplify the norm. This pattern suggests that plenty of college students think that they don’t have sex as much as other people do and aren’t as comfortable with uncommitted sex as other people are, but generally don’t wish to appear so. In other words, many college students are more sexually conservative than they prefer to let on. They’re afraid to appear prudish, which strikes many as a social kiss of death. The results of pluralistic ignorance about others’ sex lives, however, can “lead one or both sexual partners to act according to the perceived norm rather than to their own convictions.” In other words, sex becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy: “The more students believe sexual activity is occurring, the more sexual activity occurs.”
If you don’t like the jargon of “pluralistic ignorance,” you can just use Tracy’s language instead: The expectation of relatively-swift sex is itself a “social convention,” no less than the expectation of chastity or courtship, and one that like any convention influences people’s decisionmaking as much as their own internal beliefs and preferences do.
And where gender differences are concerned, it influences them in a very specific way: In the aggregate (note that word again!), the current conventions surrounding premarital sex seem to push women to conform to male desires rather than to their own stated preferences. Look, for instance, at Figure 2 in this paper, which compares female comfort levels with various activities during a casual hook-up both with male comfort levels and with what the women thought other women would be comfortable with. You’ll see a striking pattern: Male and female comfort levels diverged sharply when the options moved from what people used to call “heavy petting” to oral sex and intercourse — men were reasonably comfortable with everything; women weren’t — but the women surveyed mistakenly assumed that other women’s preferences looked much more like the male preferences than their own. (So, significantly, did the men.) In other words, in our sexual culture, the male preference gets treated as normative even by women who don’t share it, and whose own comfort level with sex outside a committed relationship is actually substantially lower.

Now there are three ways you can look at this kind of data, three attitudes you can take. One possibility, which I take to be view of a number of the feminist writers who criticized my column, is that the division in stated preferences is itself a social convention — one of the legacies of patriarchy and male privilege, an entirely socially-constructed divergence that reflects the historical shaming of promiscuous women and the devaluing of female sexual pleasure. In this view, women who think they want to wait longer to have sex than men and who are more uncomfortable than males with the idea of sex with near-strangers are victims of false consciousness, disconnected from their actual desires and own best interests, and their enduring hang-ups are an obstacle to equality, freedom, and truly liberated decision making.
But this argument ends up in a peculiar place. It is one thing to argue that, say, the association between female promiscuity and depression, and the absence of a similarly strong association for men, is just an example of how the old sexual double standard warps women’s sense of self-worth. That’s a plausible-enough argument, though one that I think is somewhat incomplete. It’s much more sweeping and strange, though, to argue that in the name of female empowerment, male attitudes toward sex should be treated as comprehensively normative and healthy, female attitudes should be treated as self-deceived and borderline pathological, and that women should reshape and renovate their own desires about sex and relationships to conform to what men already want. The logic can be made to work, I concede, with sufficient intellectual gymnastics. But it still feels like a very strange sort of feminism that looks at the literature on sexual and romantic preferences and makes what men want the measure of empowerment, happiness and health.
The second possible attitude, which I think is actually more commonplace (though often unstated) than the strict feminist take, doesn’t dismiss these patterns but basically denies that they have any clear relevance to individual lives and relationships — because every sexual situation is so different, every romantic encounter so distinctive, that trying to draw any kind of specific life lessons from what a bunch of men and women tell a sociologist is a fool’s errand. Or, alternatively, perhaps, it’s not a fool’s errand but it is a dangerous business, because the risks from having too many rules (repression, misery, etc.) are much more significant than the risks from having too few, and the “rigid social conventions” of the past were so self-evidently anti-sex and awful that it’s better not to question whatever conventions we’ve replaced them with.
I think you can see a hint of this idea in Waldman’s comment about waiting or not waiting to have sex, and how she had her protagonist end up with a girl he slept with quickly because that was true to the experiences in her social circle, and to the broader mystery of how specific couples interact. From a novelist’s perspective, that’s a wise choice: Every relationship really is different, which means that plenty of relationships begin with sex and become something deeper and more durable — and no work of fiction, even one that doubles as a work of social criticism, should privilege sociological findings at the expense of the raw complexity of real human interaction.

But it still feels like an abdication of intellectual responsibility — and of personal responsibility, to return to my column’s theme, in the case of parents and families and communities — to simply ignore the sociology, to insist that the patterns and preferences have no relevance to people’s happiness, or to try to paper them over out of an implausible fear that merely acknowledging them will send us hurtling back into the world of “Mad Men,” the Victorians, or worse. Because actually, for instance, in the aggregate (yes, that word again) it does seem to be the case that relationships are better when you wait to have sex — not till marriage or even engagement, necessarily, but just longer than the average, longer than the current cultural norm. And pretending that this knowledge shouldn’t have any relevance to individual sexual and romantic choices, and can’t possibly justify any kind of structural critique of contemporary mores, seems like a weird sort of anti-empiricism, a kind of faith-based liberationism that recognizes no challenge to its dogmas.
Which brings us to the third possible response to the sociological findings and patterns mentioned above. If there’s evidence that 1) women’s stated sexual preferences are somewhat more conservative than what men say they want and what our cultural norms encourage, that 2) women’s happiness increases when their sex lives conform to their own preferences rather than to the culture’s more libertine script, and that (at least anecdotally) 3) men tend toward a kind of indecisive, listless, semi-exploitative relationship style when their preferences are too easily fulfilled, then perhaps — just perhaps — what we have here is a case for a somewhat more conservative sexual culture. Not a culture where the Ministry of Virtue locks Nathaniel P. away for crimes against chastity; not a culture where nobody ever has a one-night stand or a friend with benefits; not a culture where women are treated like porcelain or taught to quiver in fear of the ravening lusts of lecherous males. Just a culture where it’s a little easier for women (and men) to act on attitudes and preferences that, in the aggregate (!!!!), seem to correlate more with happiness and flourishing than many social liberals are willing to acknowledge or admit.
—-The NewYorkTimes

 





16 Lessons I learnt After Losing My Virginity at 16 By Anna Kemarch

15 09 2013
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“I am sixteen and have already lost my virginity. I truly regret that my first time was with a guy that I didn’t care that much about. Since that first night he expects sex on every date. When I don’t feel like it, we end up in an argument. I don’t think this guy is in love with me, and I know deep down that I am not in love with him either. This makes me feel cheap. I realize now that this is a very big step in a girl’s life. After you have done it, things are never the same. It changes everything.” Since then I have been involved with other guys and I have learnt a few of lessons. Here are a some:

1. Many teenage girls sleep with guys because they are trying to find love, to find self-worth. But the catch is that the more guys they sleep with, the less self-worth they had.

2. Many girls think that if they really care about guys, sex will bring them closer together. Indeed, sex creates a bond. However, 80 percent of the time, the physical intimacy of first sexual relationship won’t last more than six months.

3. Couples who want what is best for their relationship or future marriage will have the patience to wait.

4. Most of the time, when a girl gives away her virginity, she assumes the relationship will last forever.But study of more than 10,000 women shows that when a girl loses her virginity at that age at 14, she’ll probably have about thirteen more lifetime sexual partners.

5. Teen sex frequently causes tension within families because of the dishonesty that usually accompanies the hidden intimacies. Relationships with friends are often strained, and when things turn sour, the gossip and social problems often become unbearable.

6. Everyone talks about how hard it is to say no to sex, but no one tells you how hard it is when you say yes.

7. It is dangerous for a teenage girl to be sexually active. Because a teenage girl’s reproductive system is still immature, she is very susceptible to sexually transmitted diseases

8. In fact, early sexual activity is the number one risk factor for cervical cancer, and the second is multiple sexual partners. A girl’s body, like her heart, is not designed to handle multiple sexual partners.

9.While a girl might plan on sleeping with only one guy, she could be exposing herself to the STDs of hundreds of people through a single act of intercourse. Here’s how: Scientists studied the sexual activity of a public high school of about one thousand students. About half (573) of the students had been sexually active, and most of them had only been with one partner. However, when the scientists tracked the web of sexual activity among the students, it was discovered that more than half of the sexually active teens—without knowing it—were linked together in a network of 288 partners within the school! So if a girl slept with a guy from this school, theoretically she could be in bed with one-fourth of the entire student body.

10.The emotional side effects of premarital sex are also damaging to a young woman. One of the most common consequences of teenage sexual activity is depression. Girls who are sexually active are more than three times as likely to be depressed as girls who are abstinent. In fact, the condition has become so predictable that the American Journal of Preventive Medicine recommends to doctors: “[Girls who are engaging in] sexual intercourse should be screened for depression, and provided with anticipatory guidance about the mental health risks of these behaviors.”Even if a girl experiments with sex once, research shows an increased risk of depression. Also, consider the fact that the rate of suicide attempts for sexually active girls (aged twelve to sixteen) is six times higher than the rate for virgins. Tragically, these girls do not realize the purity, hope, and forgiveness that they can find in Christ.

11. Unfortunately, many young women search for meaning only in relationships with guys, instead of with God. It is not uncommon for a girl to have sex in order to make a guy like her more or to encourage him to stay with her. She may compromise her standards because she is afraid of never being loved. Once he leaves her, though, an emotional divorce takes place. A person’s heart is not made to be that close to a person and then separated.

12. Since teenage sexual relationships rarely last, the girl’s sense of self-worth is often damaged. She may conclude that if she looked better, he would have stayed longer. This mentality can lead to harmful practices, such as eating disorders. Or the disappointment she feels may drive her into a state of self-hatred. Some young women even begin to hurt their own bodies in an attempt to numb the emotional pain. Such practices never solve the problems, though. If she wants to be loved, she needs to begin by loving herself.

13. In her heart, a girl who has been used knows it. However, she may immediately jump into another sexual relationship to escape the hurt. If she tries to boost her self-esteem by giving guys what they want, then her self-worth often ends up depending upon those kinds of relationships. Her development as a woman is stunted because without chastity she does not know how to express affection, appreciation, or attraction for a guy without implying something sexual. She may even conclude that a guy does not love her unless he makes sexual advances toward her. She knows that sex exists without intimacy, but she may forget that intimacy can exist without sex. A girl on this track usually feels accepted initially, but that acceptance lasts only as long as the physical pleasure.

14. Such a lifestyle will also take its toll on her ability to bond. Here’s why: Sharing the gift of sex is like putting a piece of tape on another person’s arm. The first bond is strong, and it hurts to remove it. Shift the tape to another person’s arm, and the bond will still work, but it will be easier to remove. Each time this is done, part of each person remains with the tape. Soon it is easy to remove because the residue from the various arms interferes with the tape’s ability to stick.

15. The same is true in relationships, because neurologists have discovered that previous sexual experiences can interfere with one’s ability to bond with future partners. This does not mean that if a person is not a virgin on the wedding night, he or she will be unable to bond with a spouse. It simply means that when we follow God’s plan, we have the most abundant life possible. But when we turn from his designs and break his commandments, often we are the ones who feel broken afterward.

16 Spiritual. Sin cuts us off from God, and this is the most serious consequence of premarital sex. After going too far, many of us know all too well the cloud of guilt that weighs on our hearts. The solution is not to kill our conscience but to follow it to freedom. It is calling us, not condemning us. Provided we repent, God will be there to welcome us home and let us start over (see John 8 and Luke 15).

What this all means is that our bodies, our hearts, our relationships, and our souls are not made for premarital sex. We are made for enduring love

Article adapted from Chastity.com

The video below share signs to detect guys who are only after sex (f*ck boys) so you can dump them








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