Authors-choice: Hope & Revival

My Husband is a Porn Addict by Cindy beall

My Husband’s a Porn addict: How Can I compete With Her?

I’ll never forget the first time I walked in on my husband looking at Internet
pornography. Immediately my heart sank, and I remember this sick feeling wash
over me. The thought that began to plague my mind instantly was, “How will I ever
be able to compete with her?”
If I think about that day I can remember exactly what the woman looked like. How
she was posing and what her facial expression was. I would tell you what she was
wearing but that’s just it…she wasn’t wearing anything. She was very well endowed
and made me look like I was just about to get my first training bra. Her long,
gorgeous, blonde hair cascaded over her shoulders but not enough to cover up
anything.
I knew my husband, Chris, struggled with lust because we’d been married for five
years. His admissions seemed to be vulnerable and honest but I’d later find it was
just a smokescreen. I didn’t realize how hard it would hit me to walk in on him in the
middle of him fulfilling his lustful moment. I guess I was okay with his sin being “out
of sight, out of mind.”
Chris’ introduction to pornography came when he was merely eight years old. He
didn’t ask for his sin to begin at that age, but it did. And for a growing, curious
boy the desire to see more only grew throughout the rest of his childhood and
adolescence. The hunger could be satiated by an occasional look at a National
Geographic if you weren’t picky about the kind of naked women you’d see. His
newfound addiction didn’t totally bombard his life as a youngster simply because
to obtain such racy material meant that you had to know someone who could buy a
Playboyor a Penthousefrom the local convenience store.

The date is indelibly written in my mind. I will never forget what I was doing when
Chris walked in the door that Tuesday morning. We’d been in our new home in our
new town for less than a week when he dropped the biggest bomb on me. After
asking me to join him on the sofa, he proceeded to tell me that he’d been unfaithful
to me many times with many different women over a period of about two-and-a-half
years. In the midst of my immediate reeling, devastation, and line of questioning, he
admitted that he was a full-blown porn addict.
In the early days, looking at pictures of naked women was enough to satisfy his
craving. But, over time, looking at pictures turned into watching videos, which
eventually turned into chatting with women who were just as messed up as he was.
And before long, the unthinkable occurred: His online fantasy became a reality with
a woman.
As he shared with me how this once small addiction spiraled out of control, I
learned that these horrendous actions weren’t because he didn’t love me but
because he was unable—or unwilling—to get free from his addiction. It sure didn’t
feel like he loved me but eventually I realized that the bondage that took over his life
was more than he could handle. So he acted out. .continue reading