Authors-choice: Hope & Revival

Some of my girlfriends think they could start having sex a couple months into a relationship with a guy. Others think they should wait the “standard” three dates before sex, while some think that sex is ok even on the first date.  There are many opinions about this matter. As for me, I wish to wait until marriage before having sex with my husband for the following reasons:

1. When I have sex for the first time with my husband on our wedding night, I want it to be a joyful crowning of our life long commitment in marriage. In a study I read recently, 286 participants were asked to think about the different turning points in their present or past relationships, researcher found that when a commitment is made and love is expressed before a couple starts to have sex, the “sexual experience is perceived to be a positive turning point in the relationship, increasing understanding, commitment, trust, and sense of security.” However, when love and commitment is expressed after a couple becomes sexually involved, “the experience is perceived as a negative turning point, evoking regret, uncertainty, discomfort, and prompting apologies.
2. Researchers found is that who waited until marriage to have sex who enjoyed better long-term prospects and greater satisfaction in a variety of areas in their marriage. They surveyed over 2,000 people who ranged in age from 19 to 71, had been married anywhere from 6 months to more than 20 years, and held a variety of religious beliefs (and no religious beliefs at all). The results were controlled for religiosity, income, education, race, and the length of relationship. Couples who waited till marriage to have sex reported the following benefits over those who had sex early on in the relationship:

• Relationship stability was rated 22 percent higher
• Relationship satisfaction was rated 20 percent higher
• Sexual quality of the relationship was rated 15 percent better
• Communication was rated 12 percent better

For those couples that waited longer in a relationship to have sex, but not until marriage, the benefits were still present, but about half as strong.

3. I don’t not subscribe to the so called prudence principle of having sex as early as possible to “find out if you are sexually “compatible” with your boyfriend before marriage because I know that a good sex is not particularly difficult to have, any Tom, Dick and Harry can pretty well figure out how to do it. But the emotions, the vulnerability, the meaning of sex and whether it brings I and the person I intend to marry closer together is much more complicated.
4. I want my first time, our first time to be an explicit expression of the love and commitment my husband and I have for each other rather than just a physical release or moment of pleasure. Then the day we have our first sex will became framed as the turning point in our relationship. I have also read that Psychologists have found when sex happens prior to love and commitment and somewhat randomly – “After a few dates we were watching a movie and then we started making out and ended up having sex.” – it becomes a fragment that’s harder to fit into the narrative of your relationship and doesn’t add much to the story of how you became a couple. On the other hand, if the sex in a relationship follows after expressions of love and commitment the episode easily becomes integrated – in a positive way — into the story of your relationship. This memory of our first time as a couple will be forever something we look back on and draw from for the rest of our life